Disappointment and Sponsorship

Conversation about disappointment last night:

"Hey Sponse, can you just tell me how this was my fault so I'll feel better?"

"Ok, it's your fault. Are we done?"

"I just feel so disappointed."

"No you don't, you feel embarrassed."

"Oh. Ok!"

"Talk to you tomorrow!"

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Progress

For the first time that I've noticed, although probably not the first time, I have found myself in the two-step trap that it talks about in the 12 and 12.

My sponsor asked me to do some writing on what I think a relationship means, and the following is what came out. Looks like there's still more work to go.

A real relationship is someone to rely on. Someone who cares, who is kind considerate, loving and supportive. With someone who is stable. Who can have sex on demand. Who is hot. Companionship. Support. Love. Sex. Forgiveness. Stability. Someone who is clean and cleans the house. Someone who cooks. Someone strong. Someone who loves me.

I think I already see the problem here. Probably, no, for real, if these are all the things I expect from a relationship, these are the things I should be putting into the relationship. I remember at some point saying that love was caring for someone without expecting something in return. I'm not sure if I know how to do this for anyone. My family, definitely not. My relationship, maybe sometimes, but definitely not when it comes to gift giving. Because I expect certain reactions, which I have clearly has never gotten. My work, no, I need constant recognition all the time.

So here I am, selfish and self-centered in the extreme, an alcoholic.

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Today is a good day

So far today, I'm having an amazing day. I had a good run, I've lost some weight from training program I've been doing, and this morning, I found an open locker reservation for the larger size locker.

This is enough to make me feel like life is perfect.

I remember in early sobriety when I would stay to have a good day, my first thought would be, I want every day to be like this! For the rest of my life!

Turns out, it doesn't matter what tomorrow is like.

Because today is a good day.

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First Things First

Thus far in my sobriety, I have taken this saying literally. Nothing comes before my program, and it works well.

So why would I stop?

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A Meeting (Every Day)

In my rehab, I got two messages very strongly. One was to get a sponsor, and the other was to go to meetings every day. This has worked for me as long as I have been sober, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon.

I never make any concessions about telling anyone this either. So I am still a little surprised when my friends in AA or guys I am working with act shocked when I call them out on this.

People who don't go to meetings every day relapse. Simple enough.

This doesn't mean that I go to meetings every day I won't relapse. There's other stuff to do too.

But people who don't go to meetings every day relapse.

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Progress

Turns out, the longer I stay sober, the easier things get. That was never the way my life was before.

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My meetings

What I do in meetings for me reflects all of my sobriety and recovery. If I'm late to meeting, my recovery will happen late. If I leave early, my recovery will also leave me early. If I don't share in meetings, I'm less likely to be able to get help in my life. If I take a break in the middle, I may be on break from my program when I need it most.

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