Progress

For the first time that I've noticed, although probably not the first time, I have found myself in the two-step trap that it talks about in the 12 and 12.

My sponsor asked me to do some writing on what I think a relationship means, and the following is what came out. Looks like there's still more work to go.

A real relationship is someone to rely on. Someone who cares, who is kind considerate, loving and supportive. With someone who is stable. Who can have sex on demand. Who is hot. Companionship. Support. Love. Sex. Forgiveness. Stability. Someone who is clean and cleans the house. Someone who cooks. Someone strong. Someone who loves me.

I think I already see the problem here. Probably, no, for real, if these are all the things I expect from a relationship, these are the things I should be putting into the relationship. I remember at some point saying that love was caring for someone without expecting something in return. I'm not sure if I know how to do this for anyone. My family, definitely not. My relationship, maybe sometimes, but definitely not when it comes to gift giving. Because I expect certain reactions, which I have clearly has never gotten. My work, no, I need constant recognition all the time.

So here I am, selfish and self-centered in the extreme, an alcoholic.

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Gratitude, Freddie and Love

Some days, I am so filled with gratitude. My disease likes to pick at things. To always see the faults in the world around me. I only moved to this new city I'm in a week ago, but I feel so amazingly connected.

I drove and picked up a newcomer yesterday after someone from my new home group gave me a car to drive around.

The newcomer, I'll call him "Freddie" was in the toils of a rehab romance. At this point, I have seen this several times over. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy, boy meets boy, girl meets girl, and the priority that sobriety needs to survive goes out the window.

Freddie, like me, also recently moved here. For a girl he met in treatment a few weeks ago. He's in love with her because when they first met, she said he could come here and live with her.

The first time my sponsor asked me what the definition of love was, I had no clue. It was always centered around what the other person was doing for me. I've now come to understand that my definition of love is caring for someone else and asking nothing in return.

My sponsor loves me, I love my sponsees. Through these relationships I have learned to have a relationship with my partner, and with other people that I could never have before.

Freddie kept repeating that he didn't understande why the girl could keep saying that she loved him but could't be around him after his relapse. Likely, she has a good sponsor telling her to stay away.

My relationships have come a long way from getting my selfish sex needs met.

Today I am grateful for the ability to love.

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